Dear Gentle Readers:
You all have been great, accepting graciously that I’ve felt a need to be gone for a while. I do love a good sense of community civility!
I’m finally able to speak the “why” for the haitus, but I want to first say that I have no need for sympathy nor extra concern: I’m feeling very “protected” for some reason. I’m having the calmest period of the past few years, believe it or not.
I have been diagnosed with cancer. I am going through chemo and radiation and lots of life altering things.
And I’m very tired so that’s why I thought I should sign off from writing here. There’s one thing I don’t like: unfulfilled promises and expectations. I’m pretty old school: my word is my bond. Unfortunately with the recent chemo I can’t offer a handshake…I have little immunity left to fend off a 3 year old’s headcold and it could prove fatal to me.
So, if you all can accept that I’ll be much more sporadic than I have been in writing then I guess we’ll get along fine. I write every day to you in my mind anyway so hopefully I’ll be able to keep a straight thought long enough to make sense periodically.
I posted the previous picture because I wanted you to see my eyes and read what I couldn’t say out loud. I knew you’d get it and you did.
I read cancer blogs and have spent hours researching online. My cancer is rather rare and there’s not a lot out there about it. It can be quite life altering if the outcome is not great. I have anal squamous cell carcinoma and it has gone into two lymph nodes. I let it get larger than I should have because it was masked by hemorrhoids and probably caused by them. I have a 70% chance of the avoiding surgery. There are no support groups for this kind of cancer. It is not colorectal cancer, a much more difficult cancer to erradicate. I also have been sick for more than a year now that I look back on it.
Two things have been happening: First I got addicted to a form of valium, prescribed for sleep. Then I developed rather extreme side effects to the drug and decided to go cold turkey before going into the hospital. Once I got to the hospital, they put me back on the same drug! Ah, so, I’m drug addled, a bit, but I’m doing OK so far.
Secondly, the chemo required massive amounts of water via IV and I gained 30 pounds in 4 days. I could barely walk! But now, 5 days out of the hospital I’m almost back the the weight I had going in. My body is finally not stretched tight but now is soft and saggy. Poo!
But I did go buy new makeup and decided to change my look to have more color. It helps mask the rapidly appearing dark blotches on my face. Who knows what color I’ll end up as I have a large amount of melanin under the surface of my skin. Personally this is just another adventure, in my book. Now, as to the wrinkles…grrrrrrrr.
Believe me, had they told this Diva what to expect I would have unlikely stepped into the hospital. They must have known I was a flight risk.