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OK, I’ll Anty-up & Come Squeeky Clean

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Dear Gentle Readers:

You all have been great, accepting graciously that I’ve felt a need to be gone for a while. I do love a good sense of community civility!

I’m finally able to speak the “why” for the haitus, but I want to first say that I have no need for sympathy nor extra concern: I’m feeling very “protected” for some reason. I’m having the calmest period of the past few years, believe it or not.

I have been diagnosed with cancer. I am going through chemo and radiation and lots of life altering things.

And I’m very tired so that’s why I thought I should sign off from writing here. There’s one thing I don’t like: unfulfilled promises and expectations. I’m pretty old school: my word is my bond. Unfortunately with the recent chemo I can’t offer a handshake…I have little immunity left to fend off a 3 year old’s headcold and it could prove fatal to me.

So, if you all can accept that I’ll be much more sporadic than I have been in writing then I guess we’ll get along fine. I write every day to you in my mind anyway so hopefully I’ll be able to keep a straight thought long enough to make sense periodically.

I posted the previous picture because I wanted you to see my eyes and read what I couldn’t say out loud. I knew you’d get it and you did.

I read cancer blogs and have spent hours researching online. My cancer is rather rare and there’s not a lot out there about it. It can be quite life altering if the outcome is not great. I have anal squamous cell carcinoma and it has gone into two lymph nodes. I let it get larger than I should have because it was masked by hemorrhoids and probably caused by them. I have a 70% chance of the avoiding surgery. There are no support groups for this kind of cancer. It is not colorectal cancer, a much more difficult cancer to erradicate. I also have been sick for more than a year now that I look back on it.

Two things have been happening: First I got addicted to a form of valium, prescribed for sleep. Then I developed rather extreme side effects to the drug and decided to go cold turkey before going into the hospital. Once I got to the hospital, they put me back on the same drug! Ah, so, I’m drug addled, a bit, but I’m doing OK so far.

Secondly, the chemo required massive amounts of water via IV and I gained 30 pounds in 4 days. I could barely walk! But now, 5 days out of the hospital I’m almost back the the weight I had going in. My body is finally not stretched tight but now is soft and saggy. Poo!

But I did go buy new makeup and decided to change my look to have more color. It helps mask the rapidly appearing dark blotches on my face. Who knows what color I’ll end up as I have a large amount of melanin under the surface of my skin. Personally this is just another adventure, in my book. Now, as to the wrinkles…grrrrrrrr.

Believe me, had they told this Diva what to expect I would have unlikely stepped into the hospital. They must have known I was a flight risk.

More later!

Mary Beth


About Mary Beth

I am fascinated by changing patterns and colored threads. I sew garments and am teaching myself to machine knit. Since selling the building that housed my workrooms, The Stitchery, I'm searching for a place to set up the knitting machines again. There must be room here somewhere!

20 responses »

  1. Hang in there, MaryBeth. I’ll be thinking of you, whether you feel up to posting here or not. Rest up, and take care of yourself.

  2. Hi,
    Iam not sending sympathy but understanding and support. I am a survivor of lymphoma and had 15 chemos–shaved head and all. I was very sick and know the tiredness and special fatigue cancer can bring
    Yes, this is an adventure. Be good to yourself on the way. That means taking a lot of help from others and letting them do for you. Not easy for us who are used to doing for ourselves and others. I think getting new makeup is a wonderful thing to do. My husband took me out in the middle of treatment to get new makeup and a make over. It was great.
    Keep a journal of your progress–maybe on the blog. It is so helpful. Do one thing you look forward to everyday! Cry and yell when you need to. Sleep. Realize you are far more than a cancer patient yet beating cancer is your job right now. My good thoughts and prayers and love are with you. Live strong!

  3. MaryBeth- My thoughts are with you. I know you’ll pull through, and have many witty observations to make on the medical profession.

  4. MaryBeth, I wish you the best, and look forward to hearing from you you here when you’re up to posting.
    Beaming the positive vibes your way…

  5. Oh, dear…I’m so sorry to hear about this. But I’ll be sending plenty of positive thoughts and prayers your way. Post when you can and take good care of yourself!

  6. MaryBeth, my prayers are with you. How difficult it must have been for you all this year. Thank you for making the effort it took to post anything at all.


  7. My thoughts are with you too. I will look forward to reading your posts as and when you choose to write them. Take care!

  8. Oh, Mary Beth! I am sending you my best wishes as you begin your new journey. Yep, life has a way of handing us new surprises, but I have no doubt you will be able to handle everything thrown at you. Love and prayers to you.

  9. Mary Beth, you are definitely in my thoughts. Whether you post or not, take care of yourself. No matter what happpens, you’ll still be a gorgeous diva to me.

  10. Thank you for sharing this with your internet friends. I certainly consider myself one, and will be sending many prayers out on your behalf.
    Stay strong and fight.

  11. Mary Beth you are a very strong Woman. My thoughts are with you and I’m also looking forward to reading your posts. A hug from Portugal to you.

  12. Somehow I missed this when it first got posted; had to go back and find out why the radiation…

    You’ll be in my prayers! (smooch) 😉

  13. Mary Beth,
    sorry I did not see this earlier! Somehow bloglines did not show it!
    As you know I’m a cancer survivor too and I felt awefull at times but I know that you will get thru this ( with tons of make up if you need it! ) and will get thru this with grace!
    You’ll kick that d*mn cancer right into it’s behind and will walk away with pride!
    If you need someone to talk, I’ll be there. Treat yourself with the best things you can get ( fruits etc ) and let yourself be carried by us!
    If you need strength, we will be there!!
    (if you need chocolate, I can send you some great great great one!! )

  14. I missed this the first time, too! So sorry to hear you have to go through this, but my prayers will be with you. I also look forward to hearing about your journey, when you feel up to posting. Take care! -Jeanette

  15. Marybeth, I just read your “Kissing Diva” post and had to go back to find out what was going on. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. My prayers and thoughts will be with you even when you don’t post. Take care.

  16. Well like others I did not get this post and in reading further have learned about your health. Thoughts, special wishes and a big cyber hug from an internet sewing friend. Post when you can! Oh and just for good measure another hug that is virus free!!!

  17. MaryBeth, I missed this when you first posted it but I had a feeling something was up with you lately. I was hoping for the best for you. I’m glad to hear that your immunity has gone back up. Big Hugs and Kisses to you.

  18. I just had my lymph nodes out last week- ouch! Sure is a kindred spirit when I read of someone else going through it. Your beautiful creations always come up on my tag page.

  19. Wishing all the very best.

  20. barbara bell (cat fur studio)

    Mary Beth, you have my best wishes.


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